Tina Fey IS Sarah Palin! She even got the accent down pat!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Reflections on a happy childhood
My friend Katie commented on my Fudpucker’s blog below, mentioning the fact that when she and her sister were younger, they recited all of the lyrics to Salt-n-Pepa’s “Shoop” in the presence of their horrified father. It reminded me of my own Salt-n-Pepa experience.
I grew up in a neighborhood that was within walking distance of a few shopping centers. I spent many of my weekends making that short trek and would always visit Super D drugstore and Be-Bop Record Shop. One particular day I visited Be-Bop and bought Salt-n-Pepa’s “Very Necessary” album. I can only imagine the conversations the store’s hipster clerks had when I left the store. Here I was, a scrawny, very white 8th grader buying Salt-n-Pepa. I can pretty much predict what I was wearing...a Gap T-shirt tucked into khaki shorts that hit at the knee, complete with a braided belt that was looped a few times because it was too long...topped off with scrunched down white socks and loafers. Couple that with the fact that I went to junior high at Jackson Preparatory School and never missed Sunday school or youth group at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church.
If only those store clerks knew what I did when I got home. I remember immediately heading to my bedroom and sitting on the floor in front of my boombox. I put the c.d. in and grabbed a notebook and a pencil. I listened to “Shoop” and “Whatta Man” over and over until I recorded all of the lyrics in my notebook. This took a few hours. Then I memorized the lyrics to each song. I’m not sure what the reasoning for this was, but to this day I can recite the lyrics to each song backwards and forwards. If only the store clerks could have seen me...sitting cross-legged under my pink ceiling and next to my ruffled Laura Ashley bedspread, I was perfecting my own rapping skills, spouting out, “You’re a shotgun bang...what’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang? Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover, like Prince said you’re a sexy mutha. Well, I like ’em real wild, b-boy style by the mile smooth black skin with a smile, bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun come and give me some of that yum yum chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? Baby, take a ride in my coupe. You make me wanna shoop.”
I grew up in a neighborhood that was within walking distance of a few shopping centers. I spent many of my weekends making that short trek and would always visit Super D drugstore and Be-Bop Record Shop. One particular day I visited Be-Bop and bought Salt-n-Pepa’s “Very Necessary” album. I can only imagine the conversations the store’s hipster clerks had when I left the store. Here I was, a scrawny, very white 8th grader buying Salt-n-Pepa. I can pretty much predict what I was wearing...a Gap T-shirt tucked into khaki shorts that hit at the knee, complete with a braided belt that was looped a few times because it was too long...topped off with scrunched down white socks and loafers. Couple that with the fact that I went to junior high at Jackson Preparatory School and never missed Sunday school or youth group at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church.
If only those store clerks knew what I did when I got home. I remember immediately heading to my bedroom and sitting on the floor in front of my boombox. I put the c.d. in and grabbed a notebook and a pencil. I listened to “Shoop” and “Whatta Man” over and over until I recorded all of the lyrics in my notebook. This took a few hours. Then I memorized the lyrics to each song. I’m not sure what the reasoning for this was, but to this day I can recite the lyrics to each song backwards and forwards. If only the store clerks could have seen me...sitting cross-legged under my pink ceiling and next to my ruffled Laura Ashley bedspread, I was perfecting my own rapping skills, spouting out, “You’re a shotgun bang...what’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang? Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover, like Prince said you’re a sexy mutha. Well, I like ’em real wild, b-boy style by the mile smooth black skin with a smile, bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun come and give me some of that yum yum chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? Baby, take a ride in my coupe. You make me wanna shoop.”
Monday, September 01, 2008
Not a fan...
And now for the second installment, here are the 10 things I CAN live without:
1. Taking my cat to the vet
It scares the shit out of her. Literally. Each time we go, the vet has to scruff my poor baby to get her out of her carrier. Well, without fail, Sam poops during the process.
The hardest part for me, however, is prior to our vet visit. She’s always especially loving on those days and has no idea what I’m about to put her through. As soon as I pick her up, she seems to get it. And then she sees the carrier. I almost wish she’d try to fight me, but instead, she grips to me, like a koala bear. As I move her towards the carrier, she goes limp and effortlessly slides right in. It breaks my heart. I guess I finally understand the statement parents tell their children time and time again: “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”
2. Wal-Mart
I’m not one of those hippy dippy “I only buy local” folks, but Wal-Mart seriously gives me hives. I don’t know why I put myself through the pain of going there, and each time I go, I vow to never go back. The last few times I’ve entered the mega store, I’ve gotten so frustrated with the long lines and the lazy, inconsiderate people yapping on their blue tooths and blocking an entire aisle so I can’t get through, I’ve just up and left. Left my buggy and already gathered supplies (never frozen food...I’m not that bad) and huffed out. The only reason I ever go is so I can save a few bucks...I know I pay more for food at the grocery store, and I know Office Depot robs me in the school supplies department. But I’d rather pay more than go back to Wal-Mart.
I’m also probably still scarred from once seeing a barefoot man hoc a loogey on the already-nasty floors. True story.
3. People who don’t take the time of others into consideration
Just because you carry a purse the size of Texas doesn’t mean you’re allowed 10 extra minutes to dig for your checkbook in the grocery store checkout line while talking on your cell phone! Here’s an idea...put the phone down and find your checkbook before it’s your turn to check out! And you could even start filling out part of the check before it’s your turn...genius, I know! Or, and this is a little out there...you could join the rest of us in 2008 and use your debit card! [Sorry, I got off on a little rant there.]
4. Rodents
I’m a lover of all animals...all animals but rodents. I don’t know what it is, but they seriously make me gag. This includes but is not limited to mice, rats, armadillos, and possums. My little sister had pet mice growing up. We are obviously not cut from the same cloth.
5. Insomnia
Is there anything worse than tossing and turning? Especially on those nights when your body is so physically exhausted but your mind just won’t stop. And I’m never able to just turn the light on and read for a little while or watch TV. I always think, “If I just lie here a few more minutes, I’ll fall asleep.” Then I look at the clock and it’s 4 hours later and I haven’t slept a minute. It never fails, too, that I fall into a deep sleep about 1 hour before my alarm clock is set to go off.
6. Going to the OB/GYN
It’s something I have to force myself to do each year. It truly is the most humiliating experience to me. I just don’t get women who say they don’t mind it. And then there’s the conversation that goes with the exam. “So, it sure is rainy today, isn’t it?” When I leave the exam, it takes me at least a full day to psychologically recover. Uggh. I’d rather have a root canal.
7. Assessing Patients’ Bathroom Habits
Like going to the OB/GYN, it’s something I have to force myself to do. And I do understand the importance of whether or not a patient is having normal bowel movements. But I will never be comfortable entering a patient’s room for the first time, introducing myself, and saying, “So, how are your bowels moving?” My assessment usually goes like this:
Me: “Are you tee-teeing OK?”
Patient: “Yes.”
Me: “And how’s the other?”
If you want to tell me all about it, I don’t mind that one bit...I just have a hard time asking.
8. Bad drivers
I am a defensive driver...I swear, I’d be happier driving a cab in New York City than I would driving my car around town in Jackson, Mississippi. I really don’t mind people who drive under the speed limit...just please do so in the right lane. If you’re driving slow in the left lane and I see that you’re also on your cell phone, you might not want to look my way because I’ll shoot you the dirtiest look you’ve ever seen. And please, people, the yellow sign shaped like a diamond is not the same as the red sign shaped like an upside down triangle. Maybe they look similar to you, but the yellow sign does not mean yield! It means merge...which means keep moving, turn your blinker on, and merge into the lane!
9. 2 p.m.
I don’t know what it is about this time of day, but it’s so depressing to me. Lunch is over; you’re kind of tired, but you still have a ways to go before the end of the day arrives. And here in the South it’s just so hot and the sunlight is that bright, white shade at 2 p.m. that makes it impossible to open your eyes without shades. If I’m home, all of those trashy talk-shows are on at this time, and those make me even more depressed. Why can’t we go from noon to say 5?
10. Closeminded people
College towns in Mississippi are ripe with people who do just as their parents do. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing. I just wish people would open their minds and think for themselves. Voting for George W. Bush might’ve been the right choice for your parents and/or your fraternity brothers or sorority sisters. But it doesn’t mean that’s the right choice for you. So before you slap that bumper sticker on your SUV next to your fraternity’s Greek letters, do some investigating. At least know what the guy stands for. And know what his opponent stands for. Then make your own educated decision and be able to stand up for the reasons you’re voting for candidate A versus candidate B. Don’t do it just because that’s what everyone else in your homogenous circle is doing.
That's enough griping for today. Stay tuned for the much happier list of the 10 things I'm really into right now. Happy Labor Day, everyone!
1. Taking my cat to the vet
It scares the shit out of her. Literally. Each time we go, the vet has to scruff my poor baby to get her out of her carrier. Well, without fail, Sam poops during the process.
The hardest part for me, however, is prior to our vet visit. She’s always especially loving on those days and has no idea what I’m about to put her through. As soon as I pick her up, she seems to get it. And then she sees the carrier. I almost wish she’d try to fight me, but instead, she grips to me, like a koala bear. As I move her towards the carrier, she goes limp and effortlessly slides right in. It breaks my heart. I guess I finally understand the statement parents tell their children time and time again: “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”
2. Wal-Mart
I’m not one of those hippy dippy “I only buy local” folks, but Wal-Mart seriously gives me hives. I don’t know why I put myself through the pain of going there, and each time I go, I vow to never go back. The last few times I’ve entered the mega store, I’ve gotten so frustrated with the long lines and the lazy, inconsiderate people yapping on their blue tooths and blocking an entire aisle so I can’t get through, I’ve just up and left. Left my buggy and already gathered supplies (never frozen food...I’m not that bad) and huffed out. The only reason I ever go is so I can save a few bucks...I know I pay more for food at the grocery store, and I know Office Depot robs me in the school supplies department. But I’d rather pay more than go back to Wal-Mart.
I’m also probably still scarred from once seeing a barefoot man hoc a loogey on the already-nasty floors. True story.
3. People who don’t take the time of others into consideration
Just because you carry a purse the size of Texas doesn’t mean you’re allowed 10 extra minutes to dig for your checkbook in the grocery store checkout line while talking on your cell phone! Here’s an idea...put the phone down and find your checkbook before it’s your turn to check out! And you could even start filling out part of the check before it’s your turn...genius, I know! Or, and this is a little out there...you could join the rest of us in 2008 and use your debit card! [Sorry, I got off on a little rant there.]
4. Rodents
I’m a lover of all animals...all animals but rodents. I don’t know what it is, but they seriously make me gag. This includes but is not limited to mice, rats, armadillos, and possums. My little sister had pet mice growing up. We are obviously not cut from the same cloth.
5. Insomnia
Is there anything worse than tossing and turning? Especially on those nights when your body is so physically exhausted but your mind just won’t stop. And I’m never able to just turn the light on and read for a little while or watch TV. I always think, “If I just lie here a few more minutes, I’ll fall asleep.” Then I look at the clock and it’s 4 hours later and I haven’t slept a minute. It never fails, too, that I fall into a deep sleep about 1 hour before my alarm clock is set to go off.
6. Going to the OB/GYN
It’s something I have to force myself to do each year. It truly is the most humiliating experience to me. I just don’t get women who say they don’t mind it. And then there’s the conversation that goes with the exam. “So, it sure is rainy today, isn’t it?” When I leave the exam, it takes me at least a full day to psychologically recover. Uggh. I’d rather have a root canal.
7. Assessing Patients’ Bathroom Habits
Like going to the OB/GYN, it’s something I have to force myself to do. And I do understand the importance of whether or not a patient is having normal bowel movements. But I will never be comfortable entering a patient’s room for the first time, introducing myself, and saying, “So, how are your bowels moving?” My assessment usually goes like this:
Me: “Are you tee-teeing OK?”
Patient: “Yes.”
Me: “And how’s the other?”
If you want to tell me all about it, I don’t mind that one bit...I just have a hard time asking.
8. Bad drivers
I am a defensive driver...I swear, I’d be happier driving a cab in New York City than I would driving my car around town in Jackson, Mississippi. I really don’t mind people who drive under the speed limit...just please do so in the right lane. If you’re driving slow in the left lane and I see that you’re also on your cell phone, you might not want to look my way because I’ll shoot you the dirtiest look you’ve ever seen. And please, people, the yellow sign shaped like a diamond is not the same as the red sign shaped like an upside down triangle. Maybe they look similar to you, but the yellow sign does not mean yield! It means merge...which means keep moving, turn your blinker on, and merge into the lane!
9. 2 p.m.
I don’t know what it is about this time of day, but it’s so depressing to me. Lunch is over; you’re kind of tired, but you still have a ways to go before the end of the day arrives. And here in the South it’s just so hot and the sunlight is that bright, white shade at 2 p.m. that makes it impossible to open your eyes without shades. If I’m home, all of those trashy talk-shows are on at this time, and those make me even more depressed. Why can’t we go from noon to say 5?
10. Closeminded people
College towns in Mississippi are ripe with people who do just as their parents do. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing. I just wish people would open their minds and think for themselves. Voting for George W. Bush might’ve been the right choice for your parents and/or your fraternity brothers or sorority sisters. But it doesn’t mean that’s the right choice for you. So before you slap that bumper sticker on your SUV next to your fraternity’s Greek letters, do some investigating. At least know what the guy stands for. And know what his opponent stands for. Then make your own educated decision and be able to stand up for the reasons you’re voting for candidate A versus candidate B. Don’t do it just because that’s what everyone else in your homogenous circle is doing.
That's enough griping for today. Stay tuned for the much happier list of the 10 things I'm really into right now. Happy Labor Day, everyone!
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