Sunday, November 23, 2008

Forever scarred

Judy Blume was an integral part of my child- and tweenhood. Where would any of us be had it not been for Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret ?

I was at my parent’s house the other day, and I decided to scan the bookshelves in my bedroom. Just looking at the titles brought back memories from different times in my life. Like certain smells, certain titles have the ability to take me back to an exact moment in my past, causing me to laugh, cringe, or tear up...and many times, all of the above. My collection of Judy Blume books stood in front of me, evoking memories of that awkward time between puberty and my teenage years. After reading Starring Sally J. Freedman As Herself, I decided to steal the heroine’s “creative” closing. When Sally wrote letters to her family, she would sign them “Love and other indoor sports, Sally.” I copied Sally, and am sure my family members were horrified when they received letters from me at camp using that same closing. I didn’t realize it until years later what that signature actually meant. Judy Blume had corrupted me, and I was essentially signing my camp tales of archery and swimming in a murky pond with, “Love and sex, Lindsey.”

Notably missing from my collection of her books was Forever. I can’t remember when I purchased Forever, but I imagine I did during a mall outing with a friend. Remember when our parents would drop us off for a few hours? And because cell phones didn’t exist then, we were told to meet them out front at a set time...not a minute late. Anyway, I imagine I was innocent (or somewhat innocent, at least) in purchasing Forever. I just saw it as a Judy Blume book I hadn’t read. So, I went home and read it, realizing immediately that this was not a book I needed to keep on my bedside table for my parents to peruse through. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of reading Forever, it’s about a teenage girl having sex for the first time. Of course that’s not what it’s all about, but that’s what made the book not appropriate for my 11-year-old eyes. I knew what I had to do, so I hid the book under my bed. My parents would never know, I thought.

A few days later, I was sitting in my bedroom when my dad knocked on my door. I had no idea what I was in store for. Dad said to me, “Lindsey, we need to talk.” I knew from his tone that it couldn’t be good. He reached behind his back and pulled my copy of Forever from his back pocket. He held it in his right hand, and tapped the book into the palm of his left hand, like the book was in trouble too. I’m sure my heart stopped at this moment, but all I remember is dad saying to me, “You know we don’t believe in premarital sex in this household.” I told him I knew that, that I had no idea what the book was about when I purchased it. I’m sure he said something like, “You didn’t read the back cover before you bought the book?” but due to the awfulness of this event, my memory of exactly how things transpired is somewhat hazy.

Dad ended the conversation telling me he was throwing the book away. He left my room, and I imagine I was unable to make eye contact with him for the next year or so.

In the end, Ms. Blume not only taught me about sex, but she gave my dad the perfect “in” for discussing his views on premarital sex with his young daughter...something I’m sure he never dreamed he’d be “fortunate” enough to do. I can officially credit Ms. Blume for the most excruciatingly embarrassing conversation I’ve ever had with my dad in my 28 years on this earth. Thanks for that, Judy.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Friggin hilarious

Tina Fey IS Sarah Palin! She even got the accent down pat!

Reflections on a happy childhood

My friend Katie commented on my Fudpucker’s blog below, mentioning the fact that when she and her sister were younger, they recited all of the lyrics to Salt-n-Pepa’s “Shoop” in the presence of their horrified father. It reminded me of my own Salt-n-Pepa experience.

I grew up in a neighborhood that was within walking distance of a few shopping centers. I spent many of my weekends making that short trek and would always visit Super D drugstore and Be-Bop Record Shop. One particular day I visited Be-Bop and bought Salt-n-Pepa’s “Very Necessary” album. I can only imagine the conversations the store’s hipster clerks had when I left the store. Here I was, a scrawny, very white 8th grader buying Salt-n-Pepa. I can pretty much predict what I was wearing...a Gap T-shirt tucked into khaki shorts that hit at the knee, complete with a braided belt that was looped a few times because it was too long...topped off with scrunched down white socks and loafers. Couple that with the fact that I went to junior high at Jackson Preparatory School and never missed Sunday school or youth group at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church.

If only those store clerks knew what I did when I got home. I remember immediately heading to my bedroom and sitting on the floor in front of my boombox. I put the c.d. in and grabbed a notebook and a pencil. I listened to “Shoop” and “Whatta Man” over and over until I recorded all of the lyrics in my notebook. This took a few hours. Then I memorized the lyrics to each song. I’m not sure what the reasoning for this was, but to this day I can recite the lyrics to each song backwards and forwards. If only the store clerks could have seen me...sitting cross-legged under my pink ceiling and next to my ruffled Laura Ashley bedspread, I was perfecting my own rapping skills, spouting out, “You’re a shotgun bang...what’s up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang? Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover, like Prince said you’re a sexy mutha. Well, I like ’em real wild, b-boy style by the mile smooth black skin with a smile, bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun come and give me some of that yum yum chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? Baby, take a ride in my coupe. You make me wanna shoop.”

Monday, September 01, 2008

Not a fan...

And now for the second installment, here are the 10 things I CAN live without:

1. Taking my cat to the vet
It scares the shit out of her. Literally. Each time we go, the vet has to scruff my poor baby to get her out of her carrier. Well, without fail, Sam poops during the process.

The hardest part for me, however, is prior to our vet visit. She’s always especially loving on those days and has no idea what I’m about to put her through. As soon as I pick her up, she seems to get it. And then she sees the carrier. I almost wish she’d try to fight me, but instead, she grips to me, like a koala bear. As I move her towards the carrier, she goes limp and effortlessly slides right in. It breaks my heart. I guess I finally understand the statement parents tell their children time and time again: “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”

2. Wal-Mart
I’m not one of those hippy dippy “I only buy local” folks, but Wal-Mart seriously gives me hives. I don’t know why I put myself through the pain of going there, and each time I go, I vow to never go back. The last few times I’ve entered the mega store, I’ve gotten so frustrated with the long lines and the lazy, inconsiderate people yapping on their blue tooths and blocking an entire aisle so I can’t get through, I’ve just up and left. Left my buggy and already gathered supplies (never frozen food...I’m not that bad) and huffed out. The only reason I ever go is so I can save a few bucks...I know I pay more for food at the grocery store, and I know Office Depot robs me in the school supplies department. But I’d rather pay more than go back to Wal-Mart.

I’m also probably still scarred from once seeing a barefoot man hoc a loogey on the already-nasty floors. True story.

3. People who don’t take the time of others into consideration
Just because you carry a purse the size of Texas doesn’t mean you’re allowed 10 extra minutes to dig for your checkbook in the grocery store checkout line while talking on your cell phone! Here’s an idea...put the phone down and find your checkbook before it’s your turn to check out! And you could even start filling out part of the check before it’s your turn...genius, I know! Or, and this is a little out there...you could join the rest of us in 2008 and use your debit card! [Sorry, I got off on a little rant there.]

4. Rodents
I’m a lover of all animals...all animals but rodents. I don’t know what it is, but they seriously make me gag. This includes but is not limited to mice, rats, armadillos, and possums. My little sister had pet mice growing up. We are obviously not cut from the same cloth.

5. Insomnia
Is there anything worse than tossing and turning? Especially on those nights when your body is so physically exhausted but your mind just won’t stop. And I’m never able to just turn the light on and read for a little while or watch TV. I always think, “If I just lie here a few more minutes, I’ll fall asleep.” Then I look at the clock and it’s 4 hours later and I haven’t slept a minute. It never fails, too, that I fall into a deep sleep about 1 hour before my alarm clock is set to go off.

6. Going to the OB/GYN
It’s something I have to force myself to do each year. It truly is the most humiliating experience to me. I just don’t get women who say they don’t mind it. And then there’s the conversation that goes with the exam. “So, it sure is rainy today, isn’t it?” When I leave the exam, it takes me at least a full day to psychologically recover. Uggh. I’d rather have a root canal.

7. Assessing Patients’ Bathroom Habits
Like going to the OB/GYN, it’s something I have to force myself to do. And I do understand the importance of whether or not a patient is having normal bowel movements. But I will never be comfortable entering a patient’s room for the first time, introducing myself, and saying, “So, how are your bowels moving?” My assessment usually goes like this:

Me: “Are you tee-teeing OK?”
Patient: “Yes.”
Me: “And how’s the other?”

If you want to tell me all about it, I don’t mind that one bit...I just have a hard time asking.

8. Bad drivers
I am a defensive driver...I swear, I’d be happier driving a cab in New York City than I would driving my car around town in Jackson, Mississippi. I really don’t mind people who drive under the speed limit...just please do so in the right lane. If you’re driving slow in the left lane and I see that you’re also on your cell phone, you might not want to look my way because I’ll shoot you the dirtiest look you’ve ever seen. And please, people, the yellow sign shaped like a diamond is not the same as the red sign shaped like an upside down triangle. Maybe they look similar to you, but the yellow sign does not mean yield! It means merge...which means keep moving, turn your blinker on, and merge into the lane!

9. 2 p.m.
I don’t know what it is about this time of day, but it’s so depressing to me. Lunch is over; you’re kind of tired, but you still have a ways to go before the end of the day arrives. And here in the South it’s just so hot and the sunlight is that bright, white shade at 2 p.m. that makes it impossible to open your eyes without shades. If I’m home, all of those trashy talk-shows are on at this time, and those make me even more depressed. Why can’t we go from noon to say 5?

10. Closeminded people
College towns in Mississippi are ripe with people who do just as their parents do. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing. I just wish people would open their minds and think for themselves. Voting for George W. Bush might’ve been the right choice for your parents and/or your fraternity brothers or sorority sisters. But it doesn’t mean that’s the right choice for you. So before you slap that bumper sticker on your SUV next to your fraternity’s Greek letters, do some investigating. At least know what the guy stands for. And know what his opponent stands for. Then make your own educated decision and be able to stand up for the reasons you’re voting for candidate A versus candidate B. Don’t do it just because that’s what everyone else in your homogenous circle is doing.

That's enough griping for today. Stay tuned for the much happier list of the 10 things I'm really into right now. Happy Labor Day, everyone!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

10 things I can't live without

I pulled this idea from my friend Anisa's blog. The "game" goes like this: List 10 things that you can't live without, 10 things you CAN live without, and 10 things that you're really into right now. Forgetting the obvious (family, friends, religion, etc.), your 10 things are to be the little luxuries (or not) that make your world go 'round. For the first installment, here are the 10 things I can’t live without:

1. Diet Coke
It’s official; I’m an addict. I’ve cut down to only one or two a day...when I was at my peak, I would drink around five in a 24-hour period. I used to be a coffee drinker, but now, I only like things that are cold. At least it’s cheaper than those vanilla lattes from Starbucks.

2. A pet
I can’t live without Samantha, my cat, of course, but that’s too obvious for this list. Countless studies have shown that having a pet makes you a happier person, and I completely agree. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have a little furry creature to greet me every day when I walk in the door. Pets just make life better.

3. Excedrin Migraine
I’ve never been diagnosed with migraines, so I’m probably not supposed to use this stuff. I get headaches frequently, however, and Advil just doesn’t cut it anymore. Someone recommended this a few years ago when I had to leave work due to a crippling headache. It works wonders for me...I’d imagine it’s the combination of acetaminophen (Tylenol), aspirin, and caffeine that does the trick. I use it sparingly, but it really is my wonder drug.

4. Dustbuster/vacuum cleaner
My aforementioned cat, Sam, thinks it’s a fun game to kick as much litter as possible out of her cat box. And for you cat owners out there, you know how maddening it is to walk barefoot around your home and to have little pieces of litter stuck to your foot or in between your toes. I use my dustbuster just about every day for that purpose alone. It’s also really good at picking up dust that has made its home around the baseboards of each room.

I can’t not mention my vacuum cleaner here. It is one of the things I would grab if there was a fire at my apartment. I lucked upon it...my grandmother was in town for a week-long visit, and one thing on her to-do list was to find a good vacuum cleaner. My mom took her to the Oreck store here in Jackson, and Granny found just what she was looking for. Well, Granny is very particular, and when she got home, she realized that she preferred her old vacuum cleaner. That is how I happened upon the Oreck XL21 High Speed Upright Vacuum complete with a Hepa Celoc filter. Granny also purchased the lifetime warranty. Lucky, lucky me! I never understood the reason people invested in a good vacuum cleaner, but now I do. Put this on your birthday list, your Christmas list, or your wedding registry list...especially if you have pets.

5. Chapstick
I’ve tried them all, and I keep a tube in every possible place for those times when you just really need some chapstick. I honestly think a form of torture for me would be to take away my chapstick. There is nothing worse than having chapped lips. And when we do, it’s just human nature to lick our lips, which makes it worse. My favorite right now is Aveeno’s Intense Relief Medicated Therapy.

6. Bobbypins
I can’t stand having hair in my face. I really don’t know why I have long hair, because it’s always pinned back in some sort of fashion with bobbypins. Like chapstick, I take them everywhere and panic if I don’t have a few in my purse when they’re needed.

7. Magazines
I’ve read magazines for as long as I can remember, and they truly are a staple in my life. There’s just something about a magazine...the glossy pages, the fact that you can roll it up and stick it in your bag, the jolt you get when you see a new issue of your favorite one on the newsstands.

I worked as a teaching assistant for Samir Husni during my unfinished stint in journalism graduate school (that’s another story, another day). Working for him only furthered my love for magazines, even though part of the job included counting the ads in issues of 100% Beef and Mammazons (just use your imagination).

These days, my list of must-reads includes: Glamour, Lucky, In Style, US Weekly, People, Real Simple, O, and Better Homes and Gardens.

8. Concealer
I was blessed with the trademark Myers family dark under eye circles. My allergies only contribute to this, so I truly look like I have two black eyes when I wake up each morning. Thankfully, I discovered Bobbi Brown’s creamy concealer and sheer finish loose powder. It transforms me from raccoon to normal human being.

9. "The View"
I’ve watched ABC’s “The View” since its conception many moons ago. I’ve gotten to know all of the co-hosts, from Debbie to Lisa to Meredith, Star, and Rosie too. I can’t miss this show, and I TiVo it every day. It’s a great show because it combines a little bit of everything in a roundtable fashion...the topics discussed range from the presidential election to the best conditioner for your type of hair. And, because the women are so different, you get a plethora of views (clever, huh?).

10. My nail scrubber
I’m a little OCD about having clean hands and feet. And they really don’t feel clean unless I use my nail scrubber. Most people understand the clean hands thing, but the clean feet obsession takes it to a new level. Most days (but only once each day...I’m not that bad), I sit on the edge of my tub and clean my feet with warm soapy water and my nail scrubber. It makes me feel so much better. Please don’t judge me.

Leaving little to the imagination

I'm sorry, but does anyone else think this ad for the LZR Racer swimsuit is a bit well, I don't know...wow, I sure didn't notice Michael Phelps's sculpted arms or perfectly toned quads...if you know what I mean?

I'm at a loss for words, so I'll just end with...

Go USA!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Ya Ain't Been Pucked...

When I was growing up, we took annual family trips to Florida. This was during my pre-teen and early teenager years, so you can understand why a trip to Fudpucker's for dinner was high on my list of things to do while in Destin. I don't know why I subjected myself to each trip, because I knew once we arrived at the restaurant the words that would escape my dad's mouth when I asked him one very important question. Part of the reason I wanted to eat at Fudpucker's each time was so I could ask my dad that all-important question...I guess I partly believed that maybe as each year passed, he would budge a little. It always went like this:

Me: "Dad, can I get a Fudpucker's T-shirt"
Dad: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Dad: "Because I said so."
Me: "But all my friends have one!"
Dad: "I don't care if all of your friends have one. You're not going to have one."
Me: "At least tell me why I can't have one!"
Dad: "Lindsey, I'm not going to explain the reason. You'll understand one day."

Dad is right. I did understand, finally, as I grew a little older. My dad didn't want his young daughter walking around in a T-shirt that read "Ya Ain't Been Pucked Till Ya Been Fudpucked." Makes sense, huh?

I'm sure I'll have similar arguments with my children one day. I just hope they respect me as much as I respect my dad. He is my hero, my dad.

Fact o' the day...

A female doctor (and breast cancer survivor) told me yesterday that women automatically cut their breast cancer risks 50% by exercising...50% is not something to play around with! She told me, "It's not something you need to try to do...it's something you have to do." She said it's currently recommended to get 4 hours of cardio a week...so that's 40 minutes, 6 days a week.

I'm currently doing some research on foods and vitamins women need to add or remove from their diets to cut that risk even more...I do know (begrudgingly) that alcohol increases your risks. Why, oh why, does it have to be alcohol? Why can't it be something no one likes, something like pork rinds or beets?

I do know that it's all a balancing act. I want to do what I can, within reason, to reduce my risks, but I also want to enjoy this one life I've been given. So I'll be exercising 6 days a week, and I'll add more vitamins to my daily routine...but I'll also continue drinking my wine...in moderation, why of course...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Seriously?

I get excited to see new issues of my favorite magazines on the shelves each month. Lucky is one of my favorites...I don't so much as buy the clothes that they advertise, but I do get ideas from their pages. So, imagine my surprise when I opened up my latest issues of Lucky to see these shoes staring back at me. Had I accidentally picked up an issue of AARP magazine? I love the quote that goes with the second shoe: "There basically isn't an outfit on earth I wouldn't wear these flats with." Umm...the only time I'd wear these shoes is if I were dressing up as an un-hip grandma for Halloween.

I do understand the fact that New York fashion editors don't necessarily advertise mainstream clothes. I enjoy the couture looks, and I'm OK if you show me a pink tutu and try to pass it off as the newest cocktail party look...that's fun and whimsical, and I'd agree that some people living in big cities could pull it off. But nobody can or should pull these shoes off. I think the editors of Lucky had a mini-stroke in editing this issue...here's hoping they don't scour the nursing homes for their next fashion inspirations.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

My first mammogram

My first mammogram...not as fond a memory as "my first kiss" or "my first love" or "my first car." But it's a memory nonetheless. I had my first mammogram yesterday. I'm only 27, but with my family history, my doctor recommended I go ahead and get a baseline. I also had an MRI done of both breasts. Yes, I felt a little dehumanized after leaving the doctor's office.

The MRI was nothing...I just wish it cost nothing. They gave me a high dose of xanax prior since I had to lie on my belly for about an hour for the test. I think the dose of xanax would've knocked a horse out. I slept through the entire thing and could barely walk afterwards I was so medicated.

Once the MRI was finished, I prepared for the mammogram. The mammogram was not my favorite. I'm not going to paint a pretty picture and tell all of the women out there that it really doesn't hurt too bad. It hurts like a b*tch. I really had no idea my breasts could be flattened so much. The tech grabs one boob at a time and puts it on a metal plate. She then winds down a metal plate on top of it...and keeps winding until your boob pretty much loses all of its color and is as flat as a pancake. She then takes a picture, and if she doesn't like that picture enough, she flattens the boob out some more for the next Kodak moment. I was pleasantly surprised, however, that they do pop right back into shape after the mauling is over.

In all seriousness...I am thankful. My breasts are cancer-free, and with a doctor who chooses to keep a close watch on my breast health (alternating mammograms and MRIs every 6 months), they will likely stay cancer-free...or worst case scenario, if I ever develop breast cancer, it will be detected early...early enough that it can be treated, and my life will go on. I wish more than anything that the same could be said for my mother. She died 18 years ago today of this terrible disease.

I love you, Mom, and miss you deeply.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I have issues...

My sensitivity issues have gotten out of hand. The other day, I noticed a huge (baseball-sized) wasp nest attached to the door leading from my living room to my balcony. I'd been stung by one of those buggers once already, so now I'm scared to walk out on my balcony...not that I want to in August in Mississippi, but anyway...I've been watching the wasps from inside my apartment, and I've been able to watch them closely since the nest is attached to my balcony door. They're a little family of eight, and they're kind of fun to watch (evidence of further issues I have!). I knew they had to go, however, so I could use my balcony at some point in the future, so I told the manager at my apartment complex. She wrote a work order up, but I honestly assumed it wouldn't get done. I left for an appointment and to run some errands and came home a few hours later. Walking up to my apartment, I looked up at my balcony and could see that the nest was gone, along with the family of wasps. It kind of broke my heart a little. I really need help.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Attempts at joining the blogging world...

I've been wanting to start a blog for what seems like forever now, and I really don't know what exactly was holding me back for so long. So, here I am. I felt like I needed to at least introduce myself to the blogging world in this first post.

I'd always thought I'd end up a writer. And here I am now, in nursing school...on the other end of the spectrum. I wanted to write for a popular women's magazine, namely In Style or Glamour, but I guess I wasn't patient enough to twither along at the bottom, paying my dues. I tried to do just that and worked for a commercial real estate magazine (yawn...) for a year. Then I moved into the PR world and wrote press releases and such for my home state's 150-year-old hospital for the mentally ill. Needless to say, being asked to put a positive spin on schizophrenia and dissociative disorders zapped me of my creative energies quickly...and made me feel a little phony at the same time. "Robin Williams was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and he's an Oscar-winning actor. If he can do it, you can too!" See what I mean?

My life now is very different. Each day I'm faced with cold, hard facts...there's nothing subjective about the workings of the human body. And I actually love that. I can feel my creative juices trying to break through once again, however, so this blog will be that outlet...Lindsey's Lingerings is really for me, but if I do have some readers, I'd love to read your comments.

Until next time...